I'm Completely Unprepared
This is a humiliating admission: I’m not ready to lose anyone else. I’ve been teaching about the unique gifts that living long enough brings, and the way to prepare to age and die well, feeling completion and satisfaction. Sadie’s death was a presage of many more goodbyes to come more than occasionally. While my father said that there are always substitutes, I think that he’d agree it’s not true now. I won’t get another dog because I’ve reached a time when I want less responsibility.
And who could replace my Sadie who saw me through the worst and best—breakup, surgery, losing my sister, meeting Sheila, my new late love? It’s impossible to imagine even a day without Sheila. I am better prepared for my last piece of pizza than I am to lose a college roomate friend of 60 years.
And still. There are grandchildren that are launching their lives and falling in love. I turn my eyes to them: they are solace. There are many upon whom my wellbeing depends. I still can string a sentence together.
And yet. With whatever I know, it’s not enough. I beg for a heart of wisdom that knows acceptance, is grateful for all I’ve been given, and remembers that everything is on loan except love.
I can totally relate, Malka. Alfred and I had a puppy that we loved so much, we never got another to replace once she was gone. Since then so many wonderful people & pets in our lives have come and gone. The only way we see it best is like watching episodic TV. Grateful for the time we had with them and the wonderful memories left that will NEVER die. Even when it is time for our breath to become air, they will still be there somewhere with us ready to be part of the next episode. … Because as you must know better than most. Bodies have an expiration date, but spirits and memories don’t.
IMNSHO it’s much easier to train our intellectual self to accept the inevitability of loss than our emotional self.